I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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