if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
