Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The Olympian is in my bed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
