He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I smell like Dick and happiness
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
