Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
