My friends, they love my intelligence
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
