i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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