Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
