Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
