Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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