I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
