he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
