Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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