I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
