Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
