How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
