wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
