Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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