Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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