I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
