there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
