I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
