Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
