I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
