I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
