Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
