it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
