You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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