Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
a search helicopter?!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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