matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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