Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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