Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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