He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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