i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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