matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
