I think my vagina is haunted
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
