I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
