Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
