I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
