I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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