Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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