you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
