I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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