I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
