I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
