I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
