If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I've blown a few things in my day
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
