Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
