Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
