I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
