Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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