Your dad touched me again.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
