I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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