just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
