it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
