You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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