Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
