I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
