party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
