I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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